


Back Off, Get Your Own Saviour!

by Twisted_Mind



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Consent Issues, Crack, Gender or Sex Swap, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Slash, M/M, Mild Language, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-06
Updated: 2011-09-06
Packaged: 2018-01-24 05:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1593032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twisted_Mind/pseuds/Twisted_Mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is the Saviour, everyone knows that. But things get a little zany when he's supposed to be everyone's PERSONAL saviour . . . Complete and utter crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back Off, Get Your Own Saviour!

**Author's Note:**

> This cracktastic-ness was originally posted Sept 6th 2011 on HP Fandom. Edited upon re-posting here.
> 
> Everything recognizable here belongs to a very lovely British lady I once met, and I am only borrowing them.

 

 

It had started out small; innocent. Well, mostly innocent anyway. Little things like backrubs, tutoring, training. Nothing to get tetchy over.  
  
Then, as the battle with Voldemort approached, they started asking more of me. Because, you know, it isn’t enough that I’m Harry-Bloody-Potter and that I have to defeat Voldemort. Nope; that’s not enough. They all had to start coming to me with ALL their bleeding problems. And at first, it wasn’t anything super-crazy … but then it snowballed.  


 

* * *

  
  
Ron’s Request: make him into a girl. Cue raised eyebrow. However, he--uh, she, now--is my best mate and I figure, if he--she’s--asking, then there must be a good reason. And well, I kinda figured that I’ll be turning Veronica back into Ronald pretty fast.  
  
I mean – we’re _men_. As in, no PMS and monthly bleeding, can't-get-pregnant, _men_.  


 

* * *

  
  
Hermione’s Request: set her up with Ginny. Took me a minute to pick my jaw up off the floor for that one, and then I started asking questions.  
  
Apparently, Hermione’s a lesbian and has had a thing for Ginny for forever. Now that Ginny is finally single--and out as a bisexual--she wants to make a go of things. I can’t promise her anything, but I said I’d try.  


 

* * *

  
  
After getting a reluctant Ginny to agree to go for drinks in Hogsmeade with Hermione--what she wants with my invisibility cloak for the night, I don’t even want to guess--I can go back and give Hermione the good news.  


 

* * *

  
  
I feel like an idiot. Now I know why Ron wanted to be a girl. He’s still obsessed with Hermione. Bollocks.  


 

* * *

  
  
Ron’s Second Request: Make him a prettier girl. I just shake my head as I wave my wand. He’s not gonna get it. But maybe Hermione will get it through to him. I just wanna be there if the girl (uh, Hermione that is) throws a punch.  


 

* * *

  
  
McGonagall’s Request: be her helper in Transfiguration. Which basically means getting turned into anything and everything under the sun so she can show her 6th years how to successfully perform human transfiguration. I’m a little leery, but as it’s my professor and head of house, I feel relatively secure in her hands. Just so long as I’m not passed off to the students, I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine . . . I’ll be fine . . . I’ll be fine . . . no. No, I know I won’t be fine, because I don’t want to be turned into a squid. But I can't really refuse . . .  


 

* * *

  
  
Flitwick’s Request: make him taller. My eyes cross slightly as I try to figure out how to explain to him that there’s only so much I can do, but he’s adamant. So as I wave my wand, my fingers are crossed and I’m praying to Merlin, God, Dobby, tiny cups of coffee, anything I can think of that this goes right.  
  
Whichever one happened to hear my prayer answered it. Flitwick is now 5’4”. It’s not great, but it’s better.  


 

* * *

  
  
Snape’s Request: help him set up a BDSM-playroom attached to his private quarters in the dungeons. I made him repeat himself just to make sure that I was hearing correctly, because I sure as hell didn’t believe it.  
  
I did help him--reluctantly--because I felt that if he wants to be a bit kinky, that’s his right. Living as a double-agent can’t be easy, and if it helps him do his job, then so much the better.  
  
At least, that’s what I told myself. Didn’t mean I believed it, or that I didn’t have nightmares later.  
  
This was kinda the beginning of the end though, as far as the requests went …  


 

* * *

  
  
Hagrid’s Request: turn Fang back into a human. This one seemed relatively harmless, until there was a very large naked man in the room, throwing himself at Hagrid to rip the half-giants’ clothes off and . . .  
  
Well, I may not have seen what happened next, but then, I really didn’t want to.  


 

* * *

  
  
Draco’s Request, err, Proposition?: I tell you, I knew my life had somehow taken a left turn when Draco Malfoy came up to me with an offer. He wanted me to take him to Dumbledore, to protect him. He wanted to join the Light. Only, it wasn’t until after we were in Dumbledore’s office that the catch in this little deal came up.  
  
“Oh . . . but I think, in return for the services that I provide, that I should be entitled to be in Potter’s bed--or he in mine, I’m not choosey--as often as I wish.”  
  
It was as Dumbledore nodded slowly that my vision went grey, before the whole world went sideways.  


 

* * *

  
  
I awoke in the hospital wing--finally, something that was comforting and familiar--before I realized that nothing was really quite right.  
  
For starters, I was starkers. For another thing, I was in a private room. Sitting up, I glanced at the bedside table and saw a whole bunch of glossy photographs . . . of me! I was in various poses and equipment and bondage gear. I started to feel sick.  
  
“Ah, you’re up now! Good, good. Oh, and you found those pictures. I do love them . . . taking them is one of my hobbies. As much as I love them, you’re free to keep one as a souvenir. Now, drink this potion, and you’ll be free to go on your way.” Madam Pomfrey declared as she bustled in.  
  
I downed the potion in one go, and raced away from the hospital wing, and it’s mad, voyeuristic matron.  


 

* * *

  
  
Of course, after Pomfrey let it slip that she had those photos of me in a staff meeting, Snape decided that I ought to be the one to help him christen his new playroom. I politely declined. And then ran like hell.  


 

* * *

  
  
I didn’t stop running until I was in my dorm in Gryffindor Tower. I pulled my bed curtains aside, hoping to sprawl, when I caught sight of one Draco Malfoy lying naked in my bed. Deciding that this was just about the last straw, I spun on my heel to go see the Headmaster and put a stop to all this nonsense.  


 

* * *

  
  
On my way to Dumbledore’s office, I was first stopped by Seamus, who wanted to know if I would join him and his boyfriend Dean in a threesome. Shaking my head no, I pushed past him, more desperate than ever to get to Dumbledore. Then I was stopped by Luna asking me to join in her orgy that night under the full moon. Snapping, I shrieked a string of expletives at her before full out running to Dumbledore’s office.  
  
Once in front of him, I opened my mouth to rant, but before I could, he said, “Harry, my boy, I need your help.” After I nodded, he continued, “I am stressed beyond what you could believe and I really, really need a good shagging to unwind. So, if you’d just come with me?”  
  
I stood there a moment, my eyeballs bugging out of their sockets, before I could respond.  
  
“ _WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE_?”  
  
And then I ran to the fireplace, grabbed some Floo powder, and simply screamed “Voldemort!” before jumping into the green flames.  


 

* * *

  
  
I think I gave old Mouldy-shorts the scare of his life when I appeared before him, ranting and raving and sobbing ever-so-slightly about the madness that I’d been living with. As I finished up, he seemed to regain a small piece of composure.  
  
“And I just _can't_ deal with everyone’s issues, and I don’t want to be Draco Malfoy’s fuck buddy, or Snape kink-slave, and I sure as _**hell**_ don’t want to shag _Dumbledore_!” I paused briefly, to regain my breath before continuing much more calmly, “So, that really only leaves me one option. I’m going to join you. It sure can’t be any nuttier than what I’ve been dealing with already.”  
  
I only just had time to register the look of shock on Voldemort’s face before he fell to the floor, and vanished, leaving nothing but a pile of robes.  
  
“NO! OH, NO YOU DON’T! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME WITH THEM, YOU BASTARD!” I screeched in horror.  
  
Then I heard the chuckle behind me.  
  
“Oh, Harry . . . you really didn’t think I was that cruel, did you?” Voldemort whispered softly, stalking toward me to fold me into a gentle embrace. “There, there now. Tommy will make everything alright . . .”  
  
“Tommy?”  
  
“Well . . .” he smirked, “I can’t very well have you calling me mommy, now can I? Especially not if I’m going to have you in my bed.”  
  
I hummed my agreement, because really . . . what can you say to that?

 


End file.
